callmemimi33

JOKES!!!

SILENT TREATMENT

A husband and his wife were having problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The man realized he would have to be woken up at 5:00AM by his wife the next morning, which means he would have to break the silent treatment (and LOSE).

So he decided to write a note to her, and put it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning he woke up to find out it is 9:00AM, he missed his flight!

He started getting up, just to find a note beside his bed that said "Its 5:00AM, you have to get up!"

$TEN MILLION DOLLARS$

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed
to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new
wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names!
Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other
men. Finally, he decided to confront her.

"Diane,” he said, “the only reason you married me was because my grandfather
left me ten million dollars when he died"

"Don’t be ridiculous,” she replied, “I don’t care who gave you the money!"

THE STATUE

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're a statue."

"What's this, Honey?" the husband inquired, as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for
us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got
out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'.,
"Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three
days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

WOMAN WITHOUT MAN

It all depends on your perspective ...
An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it correctly.

The male students wrote:
"Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The female students wrote:
"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

THIS ONES FOR U LADIES!!!

COMA

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when
he finally woke, he motioned for her to come closer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got
shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

DYING WIVES

"I was married 3 times" explained a man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again."

My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

HONEY

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife pass the sugar, Honey. and pass the honey, Sugar. Inspired by this, the next morning at breakfast with his wife, he says to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig".

When you're in deep shit, say nothing and try to act like you know what your doing!!!

Low self-esteem
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
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A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no - My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said -
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"
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A Welshman, an Englishman and an Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... "Potatoes!''
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There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbours' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.
So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."
And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."
The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."
The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"
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A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
The assistant replied, "Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!
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There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL:It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL:The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM:It's not working.
SL:Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL:The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM:Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM:Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
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Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!
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An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.
"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down."
He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.
"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down."
He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.
"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him, "You forgot my gravy!"
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Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
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Disorder In The Court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your mem ory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The young est son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Attorney: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Officer: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
D.A.: Officer, who provided this description?
Officer: The officer who responded to the scene.
D.A.: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
Officer: Yes sir, with my life.
D.A.: With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
Officer: Yes sir, we do.
D.A.: And do you have a locker in that room?
Officer: Yes sir, I do.
D.A.: And do you have a lock on your locker?
Officer: Yes sir.
D.A.: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Officer: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
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Washington Post article... the title of the article was "Best Comeback Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dracula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said:
"A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?"

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling
with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the
headstones.
Holy cow, Mister, one of them said after catching his breath, You scared us half to death
we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?
Those fools! the old man grumbled. They misspelled my name!
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A woman and her husband are in a car, arguing. The man has cheated, and they are spliting up. He wants to remain married but she doesn't. He says
'can't we at least stay friends?'
'no, what have you ever done for me that i should be your friend?'
'I'll make the split easy, you get the house.
'no'
the woman speeds up
'you get
the house and the car?'
'nope'
all this time she is getting faster and faster
so this haggling continues till shes at about 90/100 MOH. now hes terified.
'I'll give you everything , anything you want!' he screams as she turns towards a brick wall. a second before the impact she looks at him.
'i have eveerything i need right here'
'what? what can you possibley have?'
'the airbag' _________________________________________
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
>
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
>
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later,I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba,Canada
>
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
>
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion,she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
>
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
>
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
>
> AND FINALLY!!!..........
>
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover myembarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".
> Dr. wouldn't submit his name
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Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
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A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.
He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"
The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did not!"
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Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
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You know you live in 2007 when....
1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave
2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years
3) the real reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name
4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the tv.
6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.
7) you read this list, & keep nodding and smiling
8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends
9) and... you were too busy to notice number 5.
10) you actually looked up to check that there was no number 5
11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest:
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
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So Geoge Bush is being driven along in his limo, when as they are going over a bridge, the car crashes, and flips into the water below. The driver is killed instantly, but Bush is drowning.
There are 3 little kids fishing in the water when the car crashes. They dive in and manage to rescue Bush. He says: "Well thank you so much for saving my life! In return, I'll give eachof you whatever you want - no limits!"
So the first kid asks for a million dollars.
The second kid asks for a huge house.
The third kid asks for a top of the range wheelchair with in-built stereo speakers, dvd player and an electric motor.
Bush says: "But your not disabled!"
The kid replies: "Yeah but I will be once my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."
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Here ya go, ladies...the comebacks you've always needed
>Man: Where have you been all my life?
>Woman: Hiding from you.
>Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
>Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
>Man: Is this seat empty?
>Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
>Man: Your place or mine?
>Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
>Man: So, what do you do for a living?
>Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
>Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
>Woman: Do not enter.
>Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
>Woman: Unfertilized.
>Man: Your body is like a temple.
>Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
>Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
>Woman: But would you stay there?
>Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
>Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
>Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
>Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together
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This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop
and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled
back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you.
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
____________________________________
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"

Piczo